How To Build Trust in Relationships

Amy Chapman
5 days ago
3 min read

Trust is often described as the foundation of a relationship, but I prefer to think of it as a living bridge. It isn't just "there" or "not there"; it’s something we maintain, repair, and strengthen every single day through our interactions.

Building trust is like building a bridge

When that bridge feels shaky—whether due to a major betrayal or by a series of small disappointments—it can feel incredibly isolating. If you’re feeling a disconnect, please know that with the right tools and a bit of bravery, it is possible to rebuild.

1. Understanding the "Why": Where Do Our Fears Come From?

Before we can fix the present, we often need to understand the past. Many of our fears of being let down don't actually start with our current partner. They often stem from attachment injuries—early experiences where our needs weren't met or our trust was broken by caregivers or past partners.

By exploring these origins, we can distinguish between a "current threat" and a "historical echo." Recognising that your reaction might be a protection mechanism from 15 years ago allows you to approach your partner with more clarity and less reactivity.

2. Recognising the Dance: Ego States and Patterns

Have you ever felt like you’re having the same argument over and over? This is often because we fall into rigid patterns of relating. A helpful tool I use with clients is understanding Ego States (from Transactional Analysis):

Parent: Being critical, controlling, or over-protective.
Child: Feeling small, rebellious, or needy.
Adult: Responding to the "here and now" with logic and calmness.

When one partner acts from a "Parent" state, the other often slips into a "Child" state. Trust grows when we learn to communicate Adult-to-Adult, treating one another as equals rather than adversaries.

3. The Power of "I" Statements

When trust is low, we tend to go on the offensive. "You always forget..." or "You never listen..." feels like an attack, and naturally, your partner will get defensive.

Try swapping "You" for "I" statements. This keeps the focus on your experience and lowers the temperature of the conversation.

Instead of: "You're always late and it's disrespectful." Try: "I feel anxious and undervalued when plans change at the last minute because I've prioritised our time together."

4. Non-Violent Communication (NVC)

To build a secure bond, we must be able to state our needs without causing harm. NVC follows a simple, powerful four-step formula:

Observation: State the facts without judgement ("I noticed the dishes are still in the sink").
Feeling: Express your emotion ("I feel overwhelmed").
Need: Identify the underlying need ("I need to feel supported in managing the household").
Request: Make a specific, positive request ("Would you be willing to clear them before we sit down for dinner?").

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5. Transparency and "Micro-Bids"

Trust isn't built in grand gestures; it’s built in micro-moments. Renowned researcher John Gottman calls these "bids for connection." When your partner points at a bird out the window or sighs heavily, they are making a bid.

Turning towards these bids—acknowledging them rather than ignoring them—creates a "trust account" you can draw from during harder times.

Ready to Reconnect?

Rebuilding trust doesn’t happen overnight, but it can start today. Whether you are navigating the aftermath of a crisis or simply feel you’ve drifted apart, therapy provides a safe, neutral space to unpick old patterns and learn a new way of relating.

I offer a supportive, non-judgemental environment where we can explore your unique dynamic and give you the practical skills to move forward with confidence.

Take the first step towards a more secure future together: